I carry you in my heart

It has been a while since I've written. I haven't forgotten. I'm not too busy. I just couldn't write. I couldn't find the words and I didn't really want to try. But here it is…

I have been struggling.

The last few months have been hard. On February 22nd, we got great news that I was pregnant. We went into our 8-week appointment on March 18th to find out I had what is called a molar pregnancy. Having only half of the chromosomes meant that the baby couldn't form correctly, but instead, a clump of cells was growing at an accelerated rate. So, after some blood tests, a D&C was scheduled for three days later on March 21st. The operation went smoothly and the doctor was very optimistic that everything was removed, but it took a couple months and multiple blood tests every few weeks to verify that no further action would be required. Physically, I am doing great and my levels are back to normal. Praise God!

Emotionally, it has been difficult. We have lost a child and that isn't an easy thing to deal with. I have been a mess (Ask Andi… he was right by me through it all).

Now, before anyone tries to tell me that it wasn't a child, just stop. I don't need to hear that. It isn't helpful (I have multiple reasons for why I believe it was a child and I would love to share those with anyone who would like to hear them, but I won't go into that now). No matter what you believe about when a life begins and what happens in a molar pregnancy, we still lost the future of having this child in our family and it hurts.

My necklace reminder of our baby

I am slowly healing from this. God has sent many people into my life who have been such an encouragement to me. There are people who have just sat and listened to me, some have shared their experiences with me, and others have given pieces of advice and encouragement. It still hurts and I won't ever fully get over the hurt of losing this child, but God is working in me and that feels good.

I could still use prayer. Some days, the emotions hit harder and I feel depressed and angry that we are having to go through this. Other

days, I am able to give it all to God 

and trust Him and His timing for 

our lives.

Thank you for all those who have been praying for us and encouraging us through this time!

Krishauna (and Andi)